THOUGHTS ON A PAGE

I suppose as I sit down to type all my thoughts, so I can finally make sense of everything that has been happening in the last few months and then what I suppose for better words now then straw which broke the camel’s back.   First off, my daughter Misty gain 20 pounds of water and she went to the doctors to be told that she more than likely has CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) which is not good for anyone but she is only 38 years old will be 39 years old in May so that is really young to have fluid build up around her heart and the way it’s going she could have a heart attack if she doesn’t quit stressing and that is totally impossible for the moment cause her Dad had his third heart attack 4 weeks ago Monday.  Plus, to make matters worse he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer on top of all the other things to add to the stress of what she is going through now with her own health.  I don’t see her stress level settling down anytime soon.

Now for Misty’s dad, he has been my friend for 40 years and it is hard to see a friend even if he is my ex-husband who was a strong, loving, man become a weak, unstable strength wise person who must fight for every breath he takes.  I haven’t seen him yet, but I will be trying to figure out a way to take Misty to see her dad because it feels like something that needs to be done and needs to be done very soon.  I just need to figure out how to go about doing this because I don’t think I will be able to forgive myself if something happens and I don’t go and tell him bye in person.  I know I will need 2 rooms for a motel and to rent a car because I don’t have a car.  We can’t stay with him because he has my other daughter there with his granddaughter too.  The reason I need 2 rooms is that my grandson wants to go also.  It is going to be easy to rent a car, but the rooms will be expenses because it is Spring Break in Florida, so the rooms will be high, and I also must hope that they have a vacancy.  I can stay away from the beach if we have a car and we can drive to show my grandson the water that would be no problem.  I just must figure out a way to get money to go.

Last bit of drama and I so hate it so much is when you start trusting someone and they take that trust and threw it back in your face is a betrayal no matter how you look at it and no matter how many times they tell you their sorry it doesn’t take that betrayal away or the hurt.  It is hard to get back on and say sure I will take you back sure I understand that you are human and as humans we make mistakes and God forgave us, so you need to forgive me.  Best of all, I know that to forgive is divine but I am not God nor could I ever be him I just am not that good but more importantly I am a sinner and I am not quite sure I can forgive you for what I know you have done and what you know you did.  No matter how many sorry you say you must earn the trust that you lost back and even then there are no guarantees.   Life doesn’t come with guarantees and if it did I’m not sure it would be right.  But I think that is for another time and another discussion.

I have one more friend to add here he too has been having issues but he is back in the hospital I don’t want to lose him any more than I want to lose Misty’s Dad we too have been around for a while and even though I haven’t seen him in a while he is still in my thoughts a lot but I believe he is my oldest friend I have let other than the other kids I have gone to school with and lived with in the children’s home I was in a million years ago.  I asked a friend the other day while we were talking a question, it was why when we get a certain age do we start losing our friends? She couldn’t answer me.  I am not sure that I have an answer yet that truly makes sense if there is anyone out there who reads my blog and if you think you have a good answer or just an idea please let me know in the comments because I would really like to hear a few answers.  I personally have no idea what so ever.  Thank you!! Sorry, it’s so long but I had a lot to say I suppose and I was feeling a little bit of stress of my own that I needed to work out, so I think now when I lay down tonight to go to sleep I just might sleep for more than 20-30 minutes at a time now.  I hope you each and every one of you have a good week and again thank you for reading.

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