PONDERING THOUGHTS

bench by a lake with a city view

The above picture was gotten from Facebook group I am on Surrealism Ink & GIF (Thank you Charlie for the use of the picture)

As I sit and stare out at this beautiful view I wonder just where I might be if I had taken a different direction or stayed on course for what I thought might have been my chosen destiny. Would I be better off, or would I have the same type problems but on a different scale? I think sometimes it best not to think too closely about what might have been and still with what could be or what is. Even as I watch the skyline starts to change from day to night I continue to sit here watching the river flow and the light change while in the distance the city lights are starting to flick on giving an eerie glow all around, yet I remain as if I am glued to my seat. I wonder if I might be waiting for some type of sign to tell me it is time for me to move on, back to the land of the living and quit these thoughts that have been there later in the back of my mind. Sometimes there is no doubt about it life has a way of kicking your bottom end, then while your trying to recover from that it continues to kick you in your teeth but if you are smart and I like to think that I am you get up dust yourself off and just go on as though everything will be alright and it more then likely is.
From where I am sitting life has been a series of hits and misses but the hits far out way the misses sure I have had a few disappointments who haven’t. More than my share of hurts along the way but I can say that even though life has given me a few knocks along the way and some of them have knocked me down and it has taken a while to get back up I have given as good as I have received. I had a good career and made the most of it for the most part. When I decided to take my life in a different direction that too was good. My children are all well-adjusted and happy. They have lives they live to the fullest, they also have children they enjoy while making a living to make that life work for them. So that too works in my thinking that I have done for the most part all things right.
Somewhere in the back of mind, something isn’t quite right or why would I be pondering life choices and wondering if I have made all the right choices. I know that I can’t worry about things that are gone or haven’t come to be, but I might have time to change or review things before tomorrow comes not necessary to change but to make sure that everything is correct than wrong. Most of my life I lived by the code if you change one thing in your life you could change everything and lose the best part of yourself, so I have never even wished to change it. Why mess with fate. Every now and then I just wonder what if?
So, for the sake of argument let’s say we ponder changing something to see what might happen nothing I mean nothing is going to change because I would be risking everything on a turn of a card now I am a gambler but I’m not that kind of one where I will risk everything. Meanwhile, let us check this out, let just say instead of the accident that ended my tennis career before it started I had gone on to become a tennis player how much better would my life have been? Well, I would have been better off money wise, but I would have never met the man I married or had my wonderful children or my grandchildren and I would not be here writing this blog to all of you wonderful and amazing people who read me. So, see just by changing one little item changes the outcome of so many things. So all in all I am pleased I sat here on this bench watching the city at night come alive by lighting up cause it has taught me two things and that is the first is no matter how life is it is not really that bad it just seems like it is for a short while, Second, that no matter how sad or upset you are God is there to help you through it and sitting outside pondering your thoughts is a whole lot more fun when you have a beautiful view and a great skyline of an interesting city waking up at night.

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journey. — I didn’t have my glasses on….

“One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began, though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice — though the whole house began to tremble and you felt the old tug at your ankles. “Mend my life!” each voice cried. But you didn’t stop. You knew what you had to […]

via journey. — I didn’t have my glasses on….

THE ROAD OF A DIFFERENT PATH

 

 

I have taken many roads in my lifetime some well-travelled and others not quite as much, but they have all been an adventure of sorts.  But I would like to consider each and every turn as the right path no matter how ill-advised it was at that time in my life.  We all have taken roads or detours which we have thought at first was not the right ones but in the end, if we hadn’t taken that turn at that time in our lives we would not be where we are today, and we might not be the person we are either.

Every road that I have travelled has been unique and has been fun whether it has to lead me to somewhere I was destiny to go or on one of those many detours that I have taken throughout my life.  But each one has given me an experience I would not have had if I had not have gone down that one road or made that certain turn.  We ask ourselves or at least I do what made me turn right when I should have gone right or gone straight went maybe I could to stay put but I have never really had an answer until now, that answer is if I was supposed to make any other turn I would have and I would have ended up somewhere else.   So, whatever I did I feel that is what I was supposed to do at that time not five minutes earlier or five minutes later but at that given second of time.

Just like on the road of life people come and go in our lives at different times for example, I met my ex-husband back in the early days of being stationed on Panama City Beach when someone broke the front glass out of my truck while it was parked on property of the satellite base of the naval station and he was a security guard there.  He got the insurance to pay for a new glass and he had it detailed so the glass would be all gone when I got back to base.  We started dating and 3 kids later the rest is history.  I lost him last week on Tuesday and that was another one of those roads you don’t expect to come down.

We all travel on roads to a different path however if we want to we can end up in the same place or we can continue on to a different location it is all up to which road we travel and what turn we take but whatever road we do take you can be sure of one thing it is probably the road we should be on even if in our way of thinking it was a wrong turn because we wouldn’t be on it otherwise.  So stay turn to yourself and the road of a different path won’t matter in the skim of things as long as you are going the way you want to go.

 

Carpathian Mountains-Romania Costy Greceanu

 

 

The picture is from Costy Greceanu off of Google + Carpathian Mountains- Romania   Thank you Costy for the use of your beautiful photo, of course, the story is my idea and the photo is of course all about the road.

A LOST OF A SPECIAL PERSON

 

Tuesday morning about one AM I get a call from one of my daughters telling me that my ex is gone.  He had a heart attack a month ago Monday.  Then we all found out that he had Stage 4 Lung Cancer just last week and then they finally let him come home on Saturday, March 10 and then he was gone on Tuesday, March 13.

He asked a couple of things from us which none of them is going to be that hard to carry out, but they are all sad in themselves.  First, he wanted his ashes sent to sea on a full moon which won’t be hard cause there will be a full moon on the 30th of March.  Second, he wanted us all to be happy which we will try to carry out those wishes. Last, at least for my part, I am not sure what he asked of our children, but he wanted us all to carry on in his absence as though he were still here watching out for us.

I first meet him it seems like a million years ago when he was security on the Naval base where I was stationed it was a great guy and he became a good friend we dated for a while when I was in town and not out somewhere with my job doing goodness knows what because when I reported for duty if I was leaving I was sometimes gone 6 months at a time.  Hard to have a life when you are gone that often, but we managed just fine.  I was amazed at how when we went anywhere he would always open my door and close it even if I was the one doing the driving.  I told him once his parents taught him some very nice manners, to which his reply was thank you, they would be happy to know you think so. (lol)

He was always a good husband, a good friend, a terrific son, but most of all he was always a good Dad. When we got a divorce I thought I would never have that closeness you need to have to be friends it took a little time but we got it back and he was always a rock no matter what the issue he was always willing to see if he could help if not he could always listen or lend a shoulder to cry on.

His mom told me a story about him when he was about 6 years old when they were getting ready to move from New Jersey to Florida they were going to have pictures taken and he didn’t want to have any part of having his picture taken.  So basically, the photographer told him that he would let him have the ball if he would let me take a picture, so the picture was taken with the photographer teasing him with the ball and he had the biggest brightest smile ever on his little face and the photographer gave him the ball just as promised.  I believe that story is one of my favourites told me by anyone including him because believe he has told me some goods ones before too.

It really seems strange writing this down and I want to pick up the phone so much and talk with him.  This whole process ever since he had his heart attack has been so weird because I haven’t been able to talk with him very much and in the past even if I didn’t call him every day we still talked a lot.  When we first got divorce we didn’t have cell phones so the landline and letters were how we talked and agreed or disagreed about our children then when cell phones and email came along we updated our communications which made things a whole lot easier of course we still used landlines and I always had an answering machine on my phone at home because I never knew when I was going to be gone off somewhere for my job.  When I started working in Washington DC it was easier to catch me, but he still had to leave a message.  I would always get back to him as fast as humanly possible.  I just can’t believe he is gone.

But he is no longer in pain, he is with his dad whom he hasn’t seen for almost 21 years, his grandson Kris, his ex-Mom in law whom he hasn’t seen in almost 30 years and his own Mom who we just lost in August plus Carl will probably meet him also they got to be good friends while he and I were married and they both had a lot in common besides me, they like cars, music and both are German so they can catch up as well.

Art you are much loved and you will be missed here on earth but we know that you are happy to be your loved ones who have gone before you so rest assured even though we will miss you a lot it is time for you to relax and just not worry about anyone but yourself okay big guy we have this now.  Take care Godspeed and Thank you for always being who and what you have always been to us Dad, friend, son, grandpa, husband at one time, and most of all just being yourself that was and always has been the most important thing.

THOUGHTS ON A PAGE

I suppose as I sit down to type all my thoughts, so I can finally make sense of everything that has been happening in the last few months and then what I suppose for better words now then straw which broke the camel’s back.   First off, my daughter Misty gain 20 pounds of water and she went to the doctors to be told that she more than likely has CHF (Congestive Heart Failure) which is not good for anyone but she is only 38 years old will be 39 years old in May so that is really young to have fluid build up around her heart and the way it’s going she could have a heart attack if she doesn’t quit stressing and that is totally impossible for the moment cause her Dad had his third heart attack 4 weeks ago Monday.  Plus, to make matters worse he was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer on top of all the other things to add to the stress of what she is going through now with her own health.  I don’t see her stress level settling down anytime soon.

Now for Misty’s dad, he has been my friend for 40 years and it is hard to see a friend even if he is my ex-husband who was a strong, loving, man become a weak, unstable strength wise person who must fight for every breath he takes.  I haven’t seen him yet, but I will be trying to figure out a way to take Misty to see her dad because it feels like something that needs to be done and needs to be done very soon.  I just need to figure out how to go about doing this because I don’t think I will be able to forgive myself if something happens and I don’t go and tell him bye in person.  I know I will need 2 rooms for a motel and to rent a car because I don’t have a car.  We can’t stay with him because he has my other daughter there with his granddaughter too.  The reason I need 2 rooms is that my grandson wants to go also.  It is going to be easy to rent a car, but the rooms will be expenses because it is Spring Break in Florida, so the rooms will be high, and I also must hope that they have a vacancy.  I can stay away from the beach if we have a car and we can drive to show my grandson the water that would be no problem.  I just must figure out a way to get money to go.

Last bit of drama and I so hate it so much is when you start trusting someone and they take that trust and threw it back in your face is a betrayal no matter how you look at it and no matter how many times they tell you their sorry it doesn’t take that betrayal away or the hurt.  It is hard to get back on and say sure I will take you back sure I understand that you are human and as humans we make mistakes and God forgave us, so you need to forgive me.  Best of all, I know that to forgive is divine but I am not God nor could I ever be him I just am not that good but more importantly I am a sinner and I am not quite sure I can forgive you for what I know you have done and what you know you did.  No matter how many sorry you say you must earn the trust that you lost back and even then there are no guarantees.   Life doesn’t come with guarantees and if it did I’m not sure it would be right.  But I think that is for another time and another discussion.

I have one more friend to add here he too has been having issues but he is back in the hospital I don’t want to lose him any more than I want to lose Misty’s Dad we too have been around for a while and even though I haven’t seen him in a while he is still in my thoughts a lot but I believe he is my oldest friend I have let other than the other kids I have gone to school with and lived with in the children’s home I was in a million years ago.  I asked a friend the other day while we were talking a question, it was why when we get a certain age do we start losing our friends? She couldn’t answer me.  I am not sure that I have an answer yet that truly makes sense if there is anyone out there who reads my blog and if you think you have a good answer or just an idea please let me know in the comments because I would really like to hear a few answers.  I personally have no idea what so ever.  Thank you!! Sorry, it’s so long but I had a lot to say I suppose and I was feeling a little bit of stress of my own that I needed to work out, so I think now when I lay down tonight to go to sleep I just might sleep for more than 20-30 minutes at a time now.  I hope you each and every one of you have a good week and again thank you for reading.

PRAYING FOR SPRING!!!!

As most of you know we have had a usual winter especially since the beginning of January when it seemed that snow just fell like crazy on the upper Northern midwest for the sake of just making a mess of everything.  It left ice, snow and freezing temperatures from clear across both sides of the states and down North and South.  It’s not that the snow is unusual or even the amount at times is strange but what is really strange is that it doesn’t snow in Florida or even in New Orleans, Louisana and it snowed in both of those places and the temperatures were like down in the low single digits plus with the wind chill factored in they were in the negative range for a few days there.  The weather in Michigan area wasn’t nothing to shake your stick at either when they say it was cold you better believe it and more ice than normal and lots more snow to shovel.  To think I wanted to move up there so I could have four seasons.  (wonder where I would get a fool idea like that)

The weather since I have moved home from Florida hasn’t been the greatest but I don’t have the outerwear needed to spend too much time in the great outdoors but then again I am not sure that if I hadn’t been in Florida for the year and six months I was there that I would still not have the clothes need to go outside and take the pictures I would like to take because it has been dang cold here as well.   Any way forward as the saying goes.

I am so ready for the spring so I can get out to plant a few flowers and want warming weather because I am so tired of being cold when by now here in Texas we have already started to complain about the temperature beginning to get in the mid-eighties well I am really ready for those type of temperatures.  I know a lot of my buddies and friends up in the Michigan and Indiana states are too.

So while the mid-west hopes to warm up so that it will stop snowing and the shoveling off the walkway plus the driveways, I am praying for warming weather all around so that we can all be happy for a short period of time until there is something else to find to complain about which I’m sure will be anytime now.  But that is okay we are most of the time at least human and according to reliable sources humans are supposed to complain about something or they would not be happy.  But that isn’t always true.  I, for the most part, am happy.  I have a roof over my head, I have food to put in my stomach most of the time and my children love and respect me most of the time.  That makes me happy a lot.  Now if the weather would just get warmed up and Springtime would come so that I could plant flowers and make my yard nice I would be even happier.

By the way, my friends and family tomorrow is valentines day and I want to wish you all a good one even those across the big pond hope your day is filled with love from family, friends, and your other half and hopefully no one is forgotten on 14 of February.  God bless you all.  Be good and be safe ❤ you all!!!!

 

 

RESOLUTIONS OR NEW YEAR’S GOALS

I sit here at my desk and think about whether it is worth making a resolution to which I probably won’t keep or will for a little while and then fall back into the same old habits again. I have set them in the past and barely even gotten out of February or sometimes I have made it until May but never actually made the whole goal that I have set. Maybe this time I could make them simple so that they will be easier to manage. Now there is a great ideal wonder if it would even work. Or maybe it would work if I had a buddy do the goals with me.
I don’t know what if any goals to set but if I were to set them here would be just a few I think I would set and I think I could do on my own without needing a buddy to help keep me in line because I do them most of the time
anyway, I just don’t do them continually.

1. I would want to write in my journal more often instead of only at night.
2. I think I would like to be a better friend than I was last year. More around more.
3. I would like to be a more giving sister than I have been to my brothers and in turn, I would like them to be more giving as well.
4. I think I would like to be less housebound than I have been maybe getting out to see people.
5. Finally, is trying to be more available for my children even though I am plenty accessible I think.

Now if I were to set goals for a buddy which I not sure that I have even heard of buddy resolutions before I would only have one and I would know the right person to ask. That goal is to lose weight and the person I would ask would be Connie O’Neal because I know she would be willing to help me meet my goal. Because we have already talked about this and discussed, and she is the right person to help me stay motivative she will also cheer me on as I meet each milestone along the way. Those are the type of goals I can get behind and stay behind because those type of goals don’t fail because you don’t fail. It makes life more interesting and it makes life better too. Not that I’m not happy with life causes I am it is just dang hard sometimes to always fail at making goals and knowing that no matter how hard one word you are never going to win. This way we all win you and your buddy because you both are helping each other do something you both are trying to do and you both cheer each other on.

I have this way of thinking that God puts you with certain people at certain times in your life because that person needs you or you need them so far in my life I have been right. I have known Connie over a year now and I met her through Facebook she sales a product TruVision it is a great and wonderful product and it has helped a lot of people and it continues to help people. I want to tell you to check out her Facebook business page if you have questions leave her a message she will contact you back and answer all your questions she is an awesome lady plus the product is too. The name of her business page is Connie’s TruCorner check it out.

Now I suppose you are wondering if I get a payback from sending people her way the answer is no it is something I believe in and I believe in her too, so I am just letting you check out a business page on Facebook. Thank you if you do or don’t check it out but it would be nice if you did. Anyway, I suppose I have taken up enough of your time and it is way past my bedtime it is 0208 and I should have been in bed almost an hour ago but this thing has been clicking in my head, so I thought I need to write while it was working well.

I wish you good luck with your own goals for 2018 mine don’t seem to be too hard this year so maybe just maybe I might make them. I hope you all meet all of yours as well. Thanks for reading!! God bless you all.

https://www.facebook.com/conniestrucorner/